Ichabod's Kin
A place for politics, pop culture, and social issues

Image via Wikipedia

    The GOP’s search for a viable presidential candidate is akin to a needle in a haystack. And we all know that such a quest can result in a very painful moment of discovery.

    What we have now, save for Pawlenty and the recent entry of the Mittster, looks like a group photo taken in a fun-house mirror. Huckabee wants no part of this (for now) and Gingrich has twisted himself like a pretzel to be everything the conservative base wants in a candidate.

    In the interests of full disclosure, I fancy myself on speaking terms with Newt; I call him “Pudge” and he calls me “you lousy, stinking liberal.” He’s so cute when he’s mad, and was even more so in recent interviews where he repeatedly shot himself in the foot. I pray he does not take gun lessons from Dick Cheney or he’ll be shooting himself in the face.

    Huckabee, Christie and other gentry are playing coy but what they’re really doing is avoiding the current pack of wannabes, where one must don a requisite frightwig. No, they are going to wait until the real freak show, otherwise known as the Republican Convention, when all the crazies
go under the train and the red-meat crowd begins to flail about for someone to “draft.”

    We’re already rid of Donald Trump, who in a rare lucid moment realized what a Fat Chance is. He was cheered when Sarah Palin stopped by for a chat and Mr. Casino took her to the worst Big Apple pizzeria where cameras showed he doesn’t know the proper way to eat a slice. Rich he may be, but he clearly considered Sarah at best a very cheap date.

    So far, the best the GOP can come up with is bait from the shallow end of the political gene pool. They deem Obama to be so vulnerable, but next to him they all look to be jokes of the worst order.

    Sarah would even be the front runner again where it not for, hello, a Mormon, of all things. As an evangelical she should have an open field at this point, since her kind, along with fundamentalists, don’t like anything but the Old Time Religion, and to them Joseph Smith doesn’t fit in. He claimed to have dug up gold plates in the ground, which to them is absurd: they prefer a story where someone is born of a virgin and at the end flies up into the sky.

    This is to say that Mitt will have a problem throughout the South because all those right-wing religionists are not about to let the world see their president going to church in Salt Lake City, let alone having Latter Day Saints explored in endless news segments.

    We dare not fail to include Michele Bachmann, the other pretty face who shares with Sarah a predilection for not knowing the history of the country they want to lead. They should know better than to visit New England again but you can’t embarrass these gals, let alone insult them: there are even some Yankees who will believe Paul Revere rang bells on his midnight ride if a sexy broad with a sassy tongue says so.

    Given all the above, I consider Sarah the real front-runner and bride-in-waiting until Republicans gather to choose their banner-carrier. Christie or whoever else will finally claim the top spot but will be have to bring her aboard the ticket, and we’ll have to live with John McCain’s Folly all over again.

     But let’s just say Sarah becomes the nominee. She’ll tell us again that American tax dollars are going to Egypt before Obama, in the debate, will remind her that money was really used to buy U.S. farm products, and in the future to be part of a “debt-swap,” where the savings wold be re-invested in designated programs in Egypt. Sarah then might counter that she bets she could see Cairo from the top of a pyramid.

    When Barack reminds her that the annual $2 billion to that country began with the 1978 Camp David Accords and thus overseen by all administrations since, including Reagan’s and George W’s, she and the Fox News reporters will change the subject at the same time.

    As Sarah unadvisedly wanders into the area of unemployment and praises Reagan for bringing back America, Obama will counter that his jobless percentages have never been as high as Reagan’s and that, by the way, Barack’s disapproval numbers have never been nearly as low as the Gipper’s. Sarah, in desperation, may assert that, yes, but under Reagan American was still “free,” then flub the next question about her definition of socialism, which she may insist was begun under the Tsars.

    But suppose somehow the country loses its brains under a steady barrage of misinformation from Fox, and elects Palin. Imagine her press conferences, full of meanderings and inaccuracies, followed always by countrywide panels of schoolkids in segments called, “Is Sarah Smarter Than A Fifth-grader?” A local radio station did get calls from 5th-graders correcting her on Paul Revere.

    So sure, go ahead and elect a President Palin. I double-dog dare ya.